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Friendship when you are down and under.

Abuse,depression and life sometimes causes isolation from other people. It’s hard to socialize and see other people. I find myself in a very dark place when after I stepped away from the abusive relationship I was in and finding myself with all the bills and the discomfort of being alone,talking on the phone and socializing was just not on my radar.  I needed help filling out my divorce papers and decided I would reach out to a friend for help,this friend I thought had abandoned me,only to find out she is just trying to cope with life’s everyday issues and it wasn’t about me. Depression will do that to you,you constantly feel as if the world has abandoned you. So after talking with my friend and having her tell me off for not confiding in her that I have been out of work,could not pay the bills and most importantly had no food,she rushed right over to make sure I had dinner that night. My blessings didn’t stop there,the following night another friend texted to see how I was and so I confided in her what I was going through and that angered her. “After all you have been doing for everyone else you kept that to yourself” she said. Then she rallied into action to get me groceries and money to buy necessary items from the store. I was baffled at the kindness,I’m usually giving to a fault but I have never been given anything and her kindness shocked me. 

Don’t underestimate the power of friendship,it is a very strong and powerful connection. If you just need someone to talk to or cry to and you have someone you believe to be your good friend you should go ahead and call that person. You should not let pride get in your way because it only proves that you don’t value your friend’s friendship as much as he/she does. Friends are usually there for each other no matter what so if you cannot trust your friend to have your back means you just don’t trust the friendship and that you don’t believe in your friendship.

I have a new take on friendship and now even if I believe that I’m not in mood to pick up the phone and say hello I now know that I will at least try to make that effort because really good friends are hard to find and even harder to keep. My friends have uplifted me emotionally,mentally and even financially and with that support I was able to get myself out of my funk. I was able to find the strength that was in me and started my quest of looking for another job,I haven’t found one yet but I now have hope and through my prayers and new found strength given to be by my friends I now believe I will be fine. So give your friends a chance to be friends and don’t wait to realize that they are really good friends when you are down and under.

Call or test your friends right now and just say hello and even let them know you are glad they are your friends.

Until next time we talk,be a good friend.

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My best friend

I read a blog a few minutes ago and realized how similar my life was with having someone I can call my best friend.
He is someone I met in my teens and was my first love and I have always just think of him as just my first love. I remembered him leaving to come to the states and our sexual attraction was so great we felt we wanted to rip each other apart but then his wisdom and love took over and he said “no I don’t want to have sex and then leave you all alone, what if you get pregnant,” OMG how noble is that for a young man with raging hormones.
Letters followed for awhile and then all contact lost because of course life goes on and years go on. Yes years went by until my first love reappeared in my life and decided to spend a whole month celebrating my birthday and catching up for all the missing years. We had no questions it was like time had stood still and we were right where we were years before.
After a month of getting to know each other all over in more ways now than we did before we promised we would not lose each other again. The promise did not lost very long as life took over and we again went our separate ways.
A couple of years later we found our way back to each other and that seem to be our pattern, we would find our way back to each other and then go off to live our separate lives. What we didn’t realize though was what good friends we had become.
Most recently after going thru a really hard time with my marriage I called on my friend and I needed to get away to clear my head. He said let’s meet for the weekend and I agreed, suffice it to say I hadn’t seen him in years and even though my marriage was in trouble I wasn’t looking to step out on my marriage. I had no reason to be afraid once I saw him I felt so much love, comfort and as if my best friend was here to protect me. There was nothing sexual even though we could both feel the electricity but we felt the respect for each other even more. He allowed me to talk and he listened and where I would only sleep with a sleeping aid, he allowed me to rest my head in his laps and in minutes I was Asleep. The weekend ended and we went our separate ways and the only thing I had on my mind driving back home was that there are real men out there. Men that are noble, a man that I can truly say was my first love and is now my best friend. Thank you my friend even if I don’t see you all the time it feels good just knowing your my friend and that you will be there for me whenever I need you.

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Life after an abusive relationship

I was in a 15 year relationship,married for 5. The first time I was physically abused because my then boyfriend got jealous that some guy who I’ve never seen before was looking at me,he popped me the face bursting my lips and yes he was drinking but didn’t remember not one detail the next day. My first mistake then was to forgive and not report him to the police,and so that was perceived as a sign of weakness.in the years to follow I’ve been choked,kicked, had hot tea poured on me,pushed out ofa moving vehicle,none of which I reported. You asked why didn’t I report him to the police,well I’m jamaican and you just don’t do that. Who made that rule I know want to know. Maybe someone need to tell the abuser also because once I decided I got the guts to stand up for myself which scared him his first instinct is to call the police only it wasn’t becausei hit him but because he could not find his car keys. What a joke you mean all this time you were that weak,all this time I was your beating post and the momenti raised my voice a little too high you’re scared.
Well I had conquered the physical abuse now I had to identify the emotional and mental abuse and take that into control,that was not as easy though.
During all these years I had gotten severely depressed,my fibromyalgia had gotten worst and my need for my husband was there and he knew it. So what better time to show his power than to leave,he got himselfa new apartment with his new girlfriend and left all the bills with me. Then after realizing how vulnerable I was he decided he would Keep me tagging along by telling me we will work it out. That had me going for awhile until a confrontation with his new girlfriend put a stop to that. His new girlfriend who had unbeknownst to me stalked my facebook page for a year, befriended me and befriended my high school group so she could report anything I did or say to my husband. Well now I became pissed and I was doing the confrontation and of course the bully was the one saying he was afraid and when he filed and could not receive the domestic voilence redtraint order, he filed a stalking order and received temporary order until the judge could speak to me.
By then it didn’t matter to me because before he filed for those orders I had already found in me the strength to call it quits no matter what and had told him so.
So now I live on the verge of being evicted from my apartment, not a penny to my but I’m not being abused anymore,and thru my many prayers, I believe God will see me thru this one way or the other. Yes there are times where I cry allot and where I want to commit suicide. This is why I’ve decided to write, I don’t know who sees this but at least it isa relief to get it off my shoulders. And if this is being read by anyone being abused don’t hesitate to call the police because the minute they get the chance to use the police to protect themself they will use it and by doing so it might be just to cover up what they can do to you.

Until next time stay safe and be strong.

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Abuse and the life you are forced to live

I remember once after being able to tell what was happening to me someone said tell everyone you know or he knows and he will stop because you not telling anyone gives him power. So I started to tell but mostly to his family as I still could not tell an outsider. It felt good at first because the physical abuse stopped although little did I know it was only for a short time. When an abuser can’t physically abuse he/she will find an outlet and for me it became emotional and mental abuse and that was far worse than being hit.
I became depressed and withdrawn, I was already isolated from loved ones and although he was my demon he know became my best friend one that I wanted to go to thru my depression. I had to somehow find my voice.
Finding my voice was and still is the hardest thing for me. It seems that only in anger and with my back against the wall is the only time that I have truly found my voice. When you’re angry though toy can shout it out from the roof top no one listens because the only thing they see and hear is anger.